Dad's Cellulitis,

The week of July 1 to July 5th of 2010 was an extremely chaotic one. If you compare this year to last year it is just a blimp on the radar but it affected me more than other members of the family- come on what is up with this date. Three years ago was the first time the family had been together since Mom’s death- we had all come together for the usual pilgrimage to Eagles Mere. It was determined that the chore of dividing Mom’s jewelry would be taken on that day however it turned into a huge dispute that has lead to ongoing discords within the family.
First, this year my Jenni and her dog Georgia arrived home from Milwaukee on July 1. The dog after having been locked in the car for over 12 hours did not want to sleep, all night long bark- bark- bark until the dawn came. We then move onto July 2 and a family picnic that truly was a nice reunion of our entire family. I told Dad that he wasn’t allowed to get sick over the 4th of July because last year we ended up in the E.R. (infected testicule) followed by 6 months of complications which included a Nursing Home stay, Visiting Nurse's and a great deal of energy from our family.
Dad did comment that his leg and shoulder were hurting but he always complains so I ignored it but that bit me in the ass. The weekend led up to July 3 when we celebrated Dad’s 90th year. We had gathered 48 family and friends at the Williamsport Country Club to pay homage to Dad living 90 years- Dad spent a longer than usual time on his feet talking with everyone. That day and the next we continued gathering at Mary Ann’s for swimming, eating, and getting ready for everyone to return to his or her perspective homes on July 5th.
I went swimming for the first time in 14 years the water was perfect unfortunately, I mistakenly thought a WASP for a lighting bug and got a hell of a sting WOW!!!!!!!!!! It is feeling better now but it is still tender. Earlier I went to lunch with family, it was delightful @Ruby Tuesday, and to top off one great day I spend the afternoon and had lunch with family what could be better -maybe if everyone could have been at lunch together.After everyone went home this is when everything started. Dad called at 10am telling me his leg was sore and swollen. I could tell that as soon as I looked at his leg- Dad had Cellulitis, which is a severe infection. The days that follow, July 5th will be covered in one of my next post, just believe me when I say, “Dad really wore Mom out, - he is one stubborn old man.”

Who am I really

What is wrong with me, I am watching a Nightline episode that deals with a show called “Boston Medical.” The Nightline discussion focuses on how Doctors are taught to make the call to a very young 30 something wife of a 30 something husband in the midst of having a heart attack in the ER. The 4th year resident making this call states “it is a skill and it is something you have to learn.” Telling the patient’s family this kind of news can be something that they remember for a very long time. Unfortunately, my training came from doctors that would say inform the family, then prop the person in a chair, place a newspaper in their hands and I will declare them dead in the morning. It was a different time. I started dealing with bad news and family by the age of 12, while I was a volunteer Candy Striper. I don’t know if my family realizes the strain, I dealt with. While I was a Candy Striper I watched week after week, as my Pop-pop’s leg disappeared. I would go into his room and he would beg me to bring him things forbidden by Doctor’s orders to have. My involvement with family members and by family friends continued until I went away to Nursing School. I was so passionate about Nursing that I felt I had to be tough showing emotions would be betraying my “calling.” After Nursing School, I returned to my hometown hospital and caring for family members- Uncle Jerome, my Grand-pa Crouse and countless others. We were a small hospital so there are no Residents to do the notifying or be with the family while “care” decisions are being made. I never really broke down even when Gary had his heart attack, I was very aware of how near Gary was to death in my mind but my emotions could not come out. I was nervous but still together while making crucial decisions.
The only time I really let my emotions out was when I got the diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer for my Mom. After hearing the diagnosis, I inhaled and then stopped breathing and talking. At that point, Dr Wagner was stunned because while working with me at the Hospital I never once lost my cool. He was saying repeatedly through the phone Karen, Karen, Karen are you OK. I was eventually able to talk but I believe I was in shock the entire time Mom was dying; my emotions betrayed. I was unable to make simple decisions or help in her care. I had trained my entire life to take care of my family during difficult times in their lives and to be emotionally distraught is of very little use to anyone.
My question resurfaces what is wrong with me. I can be a cold emotionless woman that views the world through lenses that can only see the facts or do I give in to my emotions but of little use to those around me.