What is wrong with me, I am watching a Nightline episode that deals with a show called “Boston Medical.” The Nightline discussion focuses on how Doctors are taught to make the call to a very young 30 something wife of a 30 something husband in the midst of having a heart attack in the ER. The 4th year resident making this call states “it is a skill and it is something you have to learn.” Telling the patient’s family this kind of news can be something that they remember for a very long time. Unfortunately, my training came from doctors that would say inform the family, then prop the person in a chair, place a newspaper in their hands and I will declare them dead in the morning. It was a different time. I started dealing with bad news and family by the age of 12, while I was a volunteer Candy Striper. I don’t know if my family realizes the strain, I dealt with. While I was a Candy Striper I watched week after week, as my Pop-pop’s leg disappeared. I would go into his room and he would beg me to bring him things forbidden by Doctor’s orders to have. My involvement with family members and by family friends continued until I went away to Nursing School. I was so passionate about Nursing that I felt I had to be tough showing emotions would be betraying my “calling.” After Nursing School, I returned to my hometown hospital and caring for family members- Uncle Jerome, my Grand-pa Crouse and countless others. We were a small hospital so there are no Residents to do the notifying or be with the family while “care” decisions are being made. I never really broke down even when Gary had his heart attack, I was very aware of how near Gary was to death in my mind but my emotions could not come out. I was nervous but still together while making crucial decisions.
The only time I really let my emotions out was when I got the diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer for my Mom. After hearing the diagnosis, I inhaled and then stopped breathing and talking. At that point, Dr Wagner was stunned because while working with me at the Hospital I never once lost my cool. He was saying repeatedly through the phone Karen, Karen, Karen are you OK. I was eventually able to talk but I believe I was in shock the entire time Mom was dying; my emotions betrayed. I was unable to make simple decisions or help in her care. I had trained my entire life to take care of my family during difficult times in their lives and to be emotionally distraught is of very little use to anyone.
My question resurfaces what is wrong with me. I can be a cold emotionless woman that views the world through lenses that can only see the facts or do I give in to my emotions but of little use to those around me.
1 comment:
I think that the real issue here lies not in these two choices but instead in how starkly you are defining them. You state that when you show your emotions that you are of no use to anyone. However I would venture to say that emotional honesty is of greater use than you realize. Furthermore, you state that when in cold detached nurse mode you are able to do what is required of you. However by your own admission being so detached from such a young age has taken an emotional tole on you so that leads me to question how effective you really could have been with gorilla on your back. I think that ultimately one must accept that as always you exist somewhere in between. Not so emotional that you are consumed by your emotions but not so detached that you are overburdened by that weight.
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