Feeling...

I will be going to another Funeral well- Viewing tonight it is for my “little sister” from school, her father died. I find it very difficult- I have expressed this before - I am at the first wave of all my friend’s parents dying. I know I should be happy with every minute I have with no pain but when my pain decreases, my mind tends to race. I do wish that death didn’t play such a large part of my thought processes. If it isn’t death it is my lack of closeness that Gary and I have fallen into, I do know that in the near future it is something we will have to address because we will be empty nesters. I have in the back of my head that I am not living up to others expectations. I need a lot of reassurance and I don’t seem to be getting any from the people I am surrounded by. When I did go to work and saved people’s lives, the patient would look up at me and they would say “thank-you” or their family would say thank you. But, at this time I don’t feel accepted for me myself who I am now. I get up in the morning putter around the house, if I have appointments I keep them, I try to be nice to people I cross paths with and help people who my need help. A friend of mine stopped over on Saturday while I was ironing Dad’s two work shirts. I had been out shopping with Dad (with help from Brian ) and was ringing wet from sweat but my friend needed someone to vent her frustrates about her family problems so I finished up ironing and put my jacket on, went out to a Diner for a late lunch. It was fun but I could have just as easy sat in my chair and put my feet up but a friend needed to talk and I went. I don’t feel that I have anyone I can be completely honest with or really gives a flying fig about me. Of course, Mom was always there to lift my ego… she did nitpick but she gave me love, hugs, kisses, and concern and I miss all that affection!